The Leader

For most people, a movie is all about the hero or protagonist; in theory, he or she should be brave, strong, witty and intelligent or, at least, bear some other attribute that makes us, the viewers, root for him or her. When it comes to a movie starring Kevin Costner… not so much. He’s amusing to watch, turning just about every character he does into an insanely stoic-to-the-point-of-blandness mass of non-acting meat. He doesn’t do it on purpose, but that’s just the way he does things, I’m sad to say.

No, when it comes to Kevin Costner movies, I typically try to find the villain and root for him. Remember Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? The Sheriff of Nottingham was a total bad ass; to this day I can hear him shout out, “I’ll cut his heart out with a spoon!” As far as movie villains go, he was in my top 10, but that’s an article for another day.

WaterWorld’s villain was special, though. Played by Dennis Hopper, the Deacon had a calm, grandfatherly air about him. As leader of the Smokers, one culture of many in WaterWorld, it was the Deacon’s plan to take his people to dry land, even if it meant killing dozens of atollers (people who lived on floating atolls) along the way. A complete psychotic despot, he would calmly and happily describe with a blessing to old St. Joe (Capt. Joseph Hazelwood) how he was going to cut open the Mariner’s (Costner) head and eat his brains to Enola (Tina Majorino), the little girl with directions tattooed on her back that told the way to dry land. “Bet he’d like that!”

Even the Smokers had a style to them. Everyone in the movie was grubby, hairy and sweaty and in deep need of a week-long shower, but somehow the Smokers brought it up a notch. Living on board the rusty remains of the Exxon Valdez, the Smokers moved around from atoll to atoll surrounded by filth, fire, oil, soot, smoke and cigarettes.

Now would be a good time for a question from the class: if 99% of planet Earth is covered in water (impossible, even if all of the ice in the ice caps melted- though do be prepared to kiss Florida goodbye), and it has been for a hundred years or more, how is it the Smokers have so many clean, dry cigarettes? Not only that, but how did they get access to so many guns, and where did the ammo come from? Further more, where did they get the oil and gasoline to power their flippin’ jet skis, motorboats and the like?

Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. It’s best not to ask too many questions when dealing with a Kevin Costner movie; just find yourself a decent, clever, amusing villain and enjoy him or her for all he or she is worth. If there is one thing Kevin Costner can do right, it’s dredging up a brilliant villain for his action movies.

Remember, boys and girls: smoke is progress.

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