The Leader

Do you ever wake up feeling like you never slept? Are you afraid people are beginning to notice your receding hairline? Are you someone who just doesn’t have time to work out? Do you have an insatiable need to strangle baby penguins?

Do you get recurring headaches? Do you think your left foot itches more than the common person’s? Are you paranoid about your poor penmanship? Do you get cramps for no reason? Do you hate those shoes? 

Would you like to read faster? Would you like to write better? Do you lick windows? Would you like to be able to add fractions in your head? Would you like to become a better public speaker?

Do you like MTV? Do you like Saturday Night Live? Do you think Ann Coulter isn’t a fucking idiot? Do you think remakes of horror classics are often better than the originals? Do you think The Black Eyed Peas are good songwriters? 

Do cats give you the sniffles? Does dog fur make you wheeze? Do you break out into hives if you get near a hamster? Do adult giraffes make your eyes water?

Are you too calm? Are you too hyper? Are you too sleepy all the time? Are you an insomniac? Are you too sad? Are you insensitive? Do you hate things too much? Are you in love with that guy who bowls for a living? 

Do you think you’re not tan enough? Do you think your natural hair color is ugly? Do you smell like a rotting squirrel floating in an old creek? Are you out of touch with today’s fashions? Do your shoes go with your bag? Is your face starting to wrinkle?

Are you frightened of yellow birthday candles? 

If any of these questions apply to you, or even if they don’t, we’ve got the pills for you! They come in multiple colors, sizes and your favorite Flintstones’ characters’ shapes. And you don’t have to worry about our exorbitant costs because the kind taxpayers will likely pick up the bill for you. Plus, all of the proceeds go to YOUR favorite charity—which in this case is us: the biggest and most powerful pharmaceutical companies.

-side effects may include mild aches, runny nose, irritable itching and/or a very slow, intensely painful fatality. 

Remember, the richer we get, the better WE CAN HELP YOU!!

Parodying the obvious,

Max Neibaur

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