The Leader

When I was out on Saturday night painting the town red, I ran into a friend, who informed me of a creative Halloween costume she had just seen a girl wearing.  While I had chosen not to sport my ever so seductive skeleton costume (I kid) out to bump and grind down on Water Street, I was interested to hear about this creative costume she had seen. She described the girl’s costumes as being a pair of boxers, a long button down shirt, a pair of heels and messy hair.  What was she you ask?  The infamous “walk of shame” and it all got me thinking. 

I’m fortunate enough to be able to say that I have never had to strut back up the stairs of my apartment at 9:00 a.m. wearing only heels and some stallion’s shirt, but I can’t fathom how any gal ends up in the position of having to do the walk of shame in the first place.  What some call “the walk of shame,” I call “poor planning.”  Let’s review the possible scenarios in which the walk of shame may occur.

Scenario One: You wake up at your boyfriend’s house or fuck buddy’s house after a night of mixed drinks and multiple orgasms.  First of all, where is your car?  Ok maybe you didn’t take your car out that night since you were drinking, but why can’t this stallion drive you home or at the very least hail you a cab?  Or better yet, can’t you call a friend for a ride before you venture out into the chilly fall weather and walk home with sore thighs? 

Scenario Two: You wake up next to some random Joe (or Mark or David or both) and the only thing missing are your car keys and your black g-string, in which case getting home on your own may prove to be quite the challenge, but again why can’t the stallion drive you home?  You feel a little squeamish asking a stallion you hardly know for a ride...well that certainly wasn’t the attitude you had last night when you hopped on.  In any case, I’m sure you have a friend who wouldn’t mind giving you a lift home.

However, the foolproof solution to these scenarios would be to make it a goal to end up bent over the kitchen counter at your own house in order to avoid the infamous walk of shame. According to my theory, the walk of shame is a must do if and only if you are car-less or friendless or don’t have the balls to ask the stallion who had you on all fours last night if he can drive you four blocks back to your house.  While the walk of shame may make for a cute Halloween costume, it seems like a mere tragedy on a Saturday morning.

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