The Leader

Not saying that the Critters movie franchise was any good to begin with, it must be admitted that it took a rapid downfall when they decided to conclude this mediocre epic in, to use the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the “final frontier.” It’s a truism that any horror series will announce its final death throes when someone shoots it off into space: just look at what happened to Jason Voorhees and the leprechaun.

It’s a wonder that Nightmare on Elm Street never got situated somewhere in a penal colony on Mars, with a cybernetic “Freddy Krueger 2,000!”- Now available with Chuck Norris approved spring-loaded karate-chop action.

 But really, had the people behind Critters come up with their own story, devices, tags and… well, everything else, for that matter, what could have occurred would have been a relatively amusing, campy science-fiction/horror romp. Instead, right before the DVD can be taken out of its case, we’re assaulted with the first theft, but by far not the last, in this movie: “In Space… They Love to Hear You Scream.” Thanks, guys, but Alien did it better.

 The Alien rip offs don‘t end there, oh no; consider the story, if you will. In the future- some 50 years from now, no less- a salvaging ship in deep space comes across a mysterious capsule. They take it on board, expecting to get a hefty reward from the local galactic monopoly (in this case, it’s called TerraCor) for returning the goods. Inside are two “critter” eggs and a bounty hunter from Earth (come to think of it, Friday the 13^th stole this plot for Jason X). The titular “critters” (why they couldn’t come up with a better name is beyond me) amount to nothing more than hairy little puppets with a mouthful of teeth; the bounty hunter is none other than Earthman and country bumpkin extraordinaire, Charlie McFadden (Don Keith Opper) from the series’ previous three movies.

Of course, it would have been bad enough if they’d only “borrowed” from Mr. Scott’s intergalactic thriller. But no; they go on to pilfer as much as they can from the original Star Wars trilogy, including, but not limited to, a narrow escape from a rather sarcastic trash compactor and a small cadre of storm troopers. There’s even a rather forgettable explosion when the TerraCor space station is destroyed. Once again, thank you, but George Lucas (sort of) did it better.

The characters amounted to little more than industry stereotypes and if they weren’t boring, they were easy to despise. The captain was a greedy alcoholic with anger management issues, Bernie (better known as Victim No. Two) was a greasy drug addict/dealer (it’s not clear which) who seemed to do nothing more on the ship than consume oxygen when he wasn’t in withdrawal, Al Bert (Brad Dourif) must have been the only obligatory “movie land computer expert” to not be in a wheelchair, Fran (Angela Bassett) who, not being an overly interesting character, exists only to offer up a few brief moments of eye candy, and the virtuous, clean-cut intern who wasn’t all that interested in learning about flying spaceships.

Still, Critters 4 does educate when it fails to entertain. In the future, privately owned space stations will be so flimsily built; even the village idiot could rip random pipes from the walls to use as makeshift weapons- perhaps inspired by Russian engineering. Also, medicine will be identified by color alone, allowing it to be stored in loosely organized, unlabeled drawers, or in bulk, without the hassle of those annoying child-safety bottles we deal with today.

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