The Leader

At the beginning of every year I come to campus and discover some new girly fashion that will be obnoxiously copied for the rest of the year. Last year, it was those stupid oversized sunglasses that covered up the owner’s entire face, and it seems like these unsightly accessories are sticking around for another year.

Do you ladies actually think those things look attractive? Do you wear them simply because you see Europeans wearing them in magazines? Do you wear them because that’s all that’s for sale at the Wear This Shit Or You’re Not Cool Outlet? Or, are you just doing it because you saw Nicole Richie wearing them a while back on The Simple Life and figured they were, as Paris would say, “hot?” Has it ever crossed your minds that Nicole Richie wore those things because she’s ugly, and the less a guy sees of her face the better chance she has?

I ask all of these questions because I can’t figure out for myself why you wear them. When I ask girls I know, they always agree that they’re ugly and then say they just wear them for the hell of it. That’s funny, because you don’t wear a hat made out of rat eyeballs for the hell of it, so why do you put on those ridiculous sunglasses? They don’t make you look like a hot college girl; they make you look like an aviator from the forties.

When I approach a girl wearing these eyesores, I always want to make it obvious that I’m staring at her breasts because her face is covered in head gear. Although, this will invariably annoy the lady and make her uncomfortable, I feel my logic is reasonable. Since your cleavage is usually the highest part on your body that you actually leave uncovered, I figure that’s where you want me to look. I, however, haven’t actually tried this yet, because I’m not a big fan of getting the side of my face struck with an open-hand slap.

You girls who sport these sunglasses remind me of the cartoons where the two main characters are fighting over some exotic girl whose chieftain father is going to give her away to the most worthy suitor. Then, at the end of the cartoon, the chief’s daughter suddenly appears for the first time. She has a hot body, but a veil covers her face. After a little dance, she lifts the veil for her mouth agape suitor and reveals she has a face like Jimmy Durante.

I know many of you girls who wear these sunglasses aren’t actually ugly, but when you have those things on, how the hell are we guys supposed to know? If you have an attractive face, and don’t have to rely 100% on your body to attract guys, then throw those things in the trash…if you can find a large enough receptacle.

 Taking a stand in favor of the female face,

 Max Neibaur

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