The Leader

Dear people who go to Miller Park and don't care about the game,

As the Brewers improve, the number of real baseball fans around here is going to rise. Therefore, I'd like to make a polite suggestion to all of you. Instead of going to the ballpark and taking the seat of an actual baseball fan, why don't you just drink a bottle of motor oil, knock yourself over the head with a hammer and put your head in an oven?

When I go to Miller Park, I don't want to listen to a bunch of loudmouth airheads blabber about Orlando Bloom's eyes. Don't get me wrong-I'm not being sexist. I have no problem with girls going to sporting events. I don't even have a problem with girls going to the ballpark who don't know anything about baseball...as long as they go to watch the game. Groups of guys don't buy tickets to see some boy band in concert and then ignore the show and talk about the Brewers' defensive woes, so I'd appreciate it if you girls pay baseball fans the same courtesy.

When I go to Miller Park, I don't want to get squished from the side by some fat guy in a deer hunting coat while he talks to his friend about the Packers' playoff chances for next year. Going to a baseball game just so you can say you went doesn't make you a patron of Wisconsin sports: it makes you an asshole.

When I go to Miller Park, I don't want to hear some lady gushing about how her little Jonathon vacuumed the whole living room without anyone telling him to. This one is mostly the fault of married men. Guys, leave your wives at home unless they're interested in going. If you know your wife only wants to go so she can chat with your friend's wife, then grow a pair and tell her she can't come. If she gets all huffy and puffy and insists, then maybe divorce is an option to consider.

I have several baseball buff friends who couldn't go to opening day because it sold out in thirty minutes. With the expectations of the Brewers on the rise, good tickets are getting harder and harder to obtain. This means that you shmucks who go to Miller Park and sit there oblivious to the fact that you're at a baseball game are going to have to find another way to perpetuate that false "sports fan" image of yours.

The time finally appears to have come where you are now taking the place of other people who would genuinely appreciate seeing a live Major League Baseball game. So be considerate, only come to the ballpark if you're actually interested in watching the damn game.

Thank you,

Max Neibaur

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