The Leader

To be honest, we're all victims of marketing. So, let me more concisely define who this letter goes out to. This is to all the "marks" out there who fall for those ridiculous trends that are destined to be relentlessly poked fun at by future generations.

I'd like to have some compassion for you people who get hooked by great marketing campaigns and look like fools when you buy into silly trends or crappy products, but I don't. I'm sorry, but you're all idiots.

Idiot # 1: Anyone who considers their iPod to be equally a video/audio playback device and a fashion accessory.

The other day, one of my friends asked if she could borrow my iPod headphones while she went to a class. "Just an hour and a half," she said, "and I'll bring 'em right back." I shrugged my shoulders, nodded and tossed her my iPod. To my surprise, she threw the iPod back to me and said, "I don't need this, just the headphones." She proceeded to put the white headphones in her ears, shove the end of the cord in her pocket and say "thanks" as she hurried out the door. Confused, I asked her roommate what the hell just happened and she said, "The headphones go with her outfit." WTF?!

Idiot # 2: People who wear hats or jerseys of professional sports teams that have the wrong team colors on them.

This is especially aggravating to true sports fans. I don't know who came up with the idea to sell team merchandise with the wrong team colors, but whoever he or she is should be drown in a lake of piss. There is no neon green in the Dodgers logo! Derek Jeter never trotted out of the dugout at Yankee Stadium in bright pink pin stripes! Wearing these clothes doesn't make you look cool; it makes you look like a human highlighter.

Idiot # 3: Anyone who has bought or wears pre-torn or pre-faded blue jeans.

Why don't you just rip a pair or two of jeans that you already own? Why don't you just wait until an existing pair of jeans fades and then not throw them away? Why are you paying extra money for someone else to mess up your jeans? Do jeans companies hire people who have some kind of magical dexterity for messing up jeans and only their carefully planned fades and rips are fashionably acceptable? Stay tuned for next month's hot fashion...white t-shirts with mustard splotches on them. Only $39.99.

Perpetually laughing at you,

Max Neibaur

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